Have you ever wondered about the bright green “leave website now” button in the top right corner of the SAFE website?
This button is a safeguard for individuals who are experiencing violence or abuse. Abusers often control the types of information and resources their partner can access, including information about getting help. It may not be safe for someone who has a controlling partner to be browsing a website where there’s information about how to get help. Learn more about controlling behaviors here.
The button lets them leave the site in 1 click if the abuser enters the room or looks over their shoulder.
If you suspect that it may not be safe for you to look at websites on getting help, be sure to clear your browser history. Click on this link for additional tips from the National Network to End Domestic Violence for staying safe online when you are in a violent or controlling relationships.
If you’re not feeling safe in your relationship, help is available through both confidential and private resources. Everyone has a right to a safe and loving relationship.
Kelli is the Coordinator for Violence Prevention Programs at UNC Student Wellness. Kelli has a Master of Arts degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs from The Ohio State University and a Bachelor of Arts degree from The College of William and Mary in Women’s Studies. Kelli believes we can prevent sexual violence, interpersonal violence, stalking, harassment, and discrimination by changing systems of oppression, empowering bystanders, supporting survivors, and holding individuals accountable for their problematic behavior.
This is Rebecca Gibson, the Report & Response Coordinator at UNC. She works in the Equal Opportunity Compliance Office, where she provides support and resources for students who have experienced sexual or interpersonal violence, stalking, and other forms of discrimination and harassment. She is your go-to person in case you are in need of the services she provides. I chatted with Rebecca to get a better idea of who she is and what she does.
Photo Courtesy of Rebecca Gibson.
Kelli Raker (KR): Tell me about your background. What led you to this position?
Rebecca Gibson (RG): I’m a social worker by training and previously worked at the Durham Crisis Response Center managing the sexual assault program. I’ve consistently been drawn to this field because of the greater social influences and the resiliency that survivors exhibit even after great trauma has happened to them. I have always aspired to work in higher education. When this opportunity became available at UNC-Chapel Hill to do the work that I’m passionate about, it was just too good to pass up.
KR: What happens in your first meeting with a student who has experienced violence?
RG: In our first meeting, I will explain my role in the process and available resources. I thank them for contacting me and try to assess any immediate safety concerns or medical needs. We’ll discuss community and campus-based confidential resources, interim protective measures, and reporting options, including speaking to law enforcement and making a formal report to the University.
I will explain that I am a private resource, which means that I will share information only as needed with the Title IX compliance coordinator, relevant staff in the Equal Opportunity and Compliance Office (EOC), and other parties on campus who have a need to know depending on the conduct and where it happened. I will discuss immediate safety concerns and the option to go to the hospital to receive medical care. If the student discloses or alludes to some form of sexual violence, I will explain the option to receive a sexual assault forensic exam at UNC Hospitals or Campus Health Services and talk a bit about the role of the community advocate in providing hospital accompaniment if they choose to receive the exam. I will also provide information about confidential resources such as Cassidy Johnson, gender violence services coordinator, in the event the student would like to talk in a confidential space before talking with me.
It’s truly up to the student in this meeting to decide how much he or she wants to tell me about the violence itself. There are no obligations to provide details. That being said, my ability to help address safety concerns or discuss protective measures will be limited if the student doesn’t want to tell me anything. We’ll talk together about any concerns with academics or housing and if there is a possibility the aggressor will contact the student in the near future.
KR: What about when you meet with someone who may have harmed, harassed, or discriminated against another person? RG: My role at Carolina is a neutral one. I’m a point of contact for those involved to answer questions, clarify steps, and connect to resources. In meeting with the individual who is responding to allegations of misconduct, I will provide appropriate resources and support just as I would make referrals and connections for a student who reported experiencing these types of conduct. I will explain what they can expect throughout the University’s investigation process, discuss next steps, and address questions they may have. There are times I’m simply not able to answer a question due to student privacy rights, relevant laws, or safety concerns. If there are questions or concerns either party has that I’m not able to answer or address, my job is to find the person who can provide the information.
KR: Why should someone come to talk to you?
RG: I can facilitate interim protective measures such as academic accommodations or changes to housing, give perspective on reporting options, and connect individuals to resources both at the University and in the community. Ew Quimbaya-Winship also provides this assistance.
For someone who isn’t sure about how they want to proceed, I’m able to talk through what the reporting process would look like and connect that person to others who can support them regardless of the decision to report. The University will make every effort to respect the individual’s decision about how to proceed.
KR: What do you wish all students knew about your office? RG: I want students to know that my office is a welcoming space and resource for the entire Carolina community. My team is made up of smart, compassionate people who are working hard to make this campus safe and equitable.
I also want folks to know that in addition to addressing sexual violence, my office is also the place to go if you’re experiencing harassment or discrimination based on any protected status: age, color, disability, gender, gender expression, gender identity, genetic information, national origin, race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and veteran status.
KR: Well, there you have it. Thanks, Rebecca! Always remember there are resources on campus to help you if you face any form of discrimination or harassment!
Kelli Raker is the Coordinator for Violence Prevention Programs at UNC Student Wellness. Kelli has a Master of Arts degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs from The Ohio State University and a Bachelor of Arts degree from The College of William and Mary in Women’s Studies. Kelli believes we can prevent sexual violence, interpersonal violence, stalking, harassment, and discrimination by changing systems of oppression, empowering bystanders, supporting survivors, and holding individuals accountable for their problematic behavior.
January is Stalking Awareness Month, and stalking is a crime and a violation of UNC’s Policy on Prohibited Discrimination, Harassment & Related Misconduct. Approximately 3.9% of UNC students have experienced stalking during their time as a student at UNC-Chapel Hill, most often by another student, according to the AAU Campus Climate Survey in April 2015. This amounts to 1,134 students out of the 29,084 currently enrolled at UNC-Chapel Hill! You may know someone who has experienced or is currently experiencing stalking, so here are some things for you to know.
Photo courtesy of Got Credit
Stalking is unwanted and repeated attention from another person. It may come in the form of physical, verbal, or electronic conduct that is serious enough to cause someone to feel fearful or to create a hostile, intimidating, or abusive environment.
Stalking behaviors can include:
Repeated, unwanted phone calls, texts, Snapchats, etc.
Leaving unwanted gifts, such as flowers or notes, on the person’s car or at their home
Repeatedly showing up at someone’s room, workplace, class, or social space when they have no reason to be there
Reaching out to the person’s friends online or in person to gain information about the person they’re stalking
Many times, stalking involves people who know each other and had a relationship of some kind, but it may also involve strangers.
You might notice changing behaviors from a friend who is being stalked. People who are being stalked may:
Feel increased paranoia or anxiety about their safety
Change their routines to avoid encountering the stalker
Deactivate their social media accounts
Ask you or others not to post photos of them or otherwise indicate where they are or who they’re with on social media
If you notice these behaviors, here are five tips for helping a friend who may be experiencing stalking:
Encourage your friend to document what is happening. Encourage them to save voicemails, texts, or emails and take screenshots of messages they may receive on social media. They can also write down the details on any in-person contact, such as a location, time, and/or description of what happened. Making a list may help a friend see that what is happening is a pattern or that it may be escalating. It can also serve as evidence should your friend choose to report what is happening.
Offer resources to your friend. Share with them that confidential emotional support is available through CAPS and the Gender Violence Services Coordinator. Let them know that they can also report the incident to the University and/or to law enforcement if they want. The Equal Opportunity & Compliance Office and the Office of the Dean of Students can help them make a report to the University. They can also help with protective measures like a no-contact order. Law enforcement can investigate the behavior(s) and determine whether criminal charges can be filed.
Help them think about ways they can keep their contact information private. For example, they might want to block unwanted calls, texts, or emails, or change their privacy settings on social media.
Listen to your friend. They are the expert on their experience, and if they know the person who is stalking them, they are the expert on that individual’s behavior. If they are worried that taking a particular action (such as blocking someone on social media) would anger the person stalking them or put them in more danger, respect their right to choose an alternative.
Whatever your friend decides to do, respect their decision, let them know that they are not alone, and that help is available.
Finally, don’t hesitate to access resources yourself if you want to process your feelings or concerns about what is going on. Every situation is different, and no one expects you to have all the answers or be the only support for your friend. If you would like to learn more about supporting a survivor of stalking, check out HAVEN Training, a skills training for students, faculty, and staff.
Kelli is the Coordinator for Violence Prevention Programs at UNC Student Wellness. Kelli has a Master of Arts degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs from The Ohio State University and a Bachelor of Arts degree from The College of William and Mary in Women’s Studies. Kelli believes we can prevent sexual violence, interpersonal violence, stalking, harassment, and discrimination by changing systems of oppression, empowering bystanders, supporting survivors, and holding individuals accountable for their problematic behavior.
Bystander intervention is considered a promising practice for preventing sexual violence on college campuses. UNC-CH first implemented bystander intervention in fall 2010 with our first One Act training, and have been growing the program since then, training over 2130+ students in One Act or One Act for Greeks since its inception.
Because of our commitment to implementing programs using the best available evidence possible, Student Wellness staff collect data about the effectiveness of One Act bystander intervention to make sure that what we’re doing is working! We’re delighted to share that data from the first two years of the program that we’ve previously shared here on the blog was published in the May 2015 issue of the Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
So what else have we learned?
About one quarter of students attending One Act trainings (excludes One Act for Greeks*) in 2012-2015 identify that they have experienced sexual violence, interpersonal violence, or stalking in their lifetime.
On average, 85% of One Act participants (excludes One Act for Greeks) in 2012-2015 know someone who has experienced sexual violence, interpersonal violence, or stalking.
100% of participants in both One Act and One Act for Greeks during the 2014-2015 academic year who completed our 1 – week post-test said that they are likely or very likely to intervene if a friend says that forcing someone to have sex is okay.
*due to time limits, anonymous clickers are not used in One Act for Greeks
When I went to college, my dad gave me my Social Security card and my Health Insurance card to hold on to for the first time. I’m grateful that I was privileged to have both of these items, and that my parents handled these things for me up until I was 18. But I didn’t exactly even know what they were or what they meant when I was 18.
When my dad also gave me a small safe to lock important paperwork up in, I was even more surprised.
Luckily, he explained what this important paperwork means and why and how I should keep it safe. Financial wellness includes understanding relevant financial paperwork!
Here are a few tips to keep YOUR valuable paperwork safe:
Slim down your wallet. What you don’t carry in your wallet is just as important as what you do carry. For preemptive protection, only carry what you need on a daily basis. Don’t carry around important paperwork, like a passport or Social Security card, on your person. If you are an international student and don’t have a state-issued ID card, get one so that you can leave your passport at home. Regularly clean out your wallet and remove unnecessary receipts or anything with identifying information.
Don’t share information, such as medical or insurance information, by phone or email unless you initiated the contact and know who you’re dealing with.
Keep a record. Make copies of paperwork you DO carry on your person – IDs (license, passport, student ID), memberships, insurance, credit cards –and store them in a secure, locked drawer or safe. If your wallet and everything in it were suddenly missing, you’d need to know what you had lost. In a personal notebook you keep in a secure place at home, write down all of the information from the front and back of your credit, debit, driver’s license, medical insurance and other important cards. Be sure to update the list as needed.
Protect valuables. If possible, get a small, waterproof and fireproof safe to put original or copies of paperwork inside. Even though a small safe could be stolen, it is still useful to protect it from damage and from other people. If you need your Social Security card or other info to confirm your identity (i.e., when you are being hired for a new job), be sure to return it to its safe storage place as soon as you can.
Keep the key or code to the safe in a secure place where no one can find it and make it complicated so that someone cannot easily guess it.
Report any concerns. Contact the police if you think someone is using your identity. If you suspect someone is using your Social Security number, either on purpose or by accident, you need to contact the Social Security Administration. If your Social Security card is lost or stolen and you need a replacement, you will need to show certain required documents, complete the application for a Social Security card, and take or mail your application and documents to your local Social Security office.
For more information on crime prevention, check out the UNC-Chapel Hill Department of Public Safety. Thanks to Crime Prevention Officer Megan Howard for some of these tips above!
Adjusting to stressful and challenging situations is an important part of succeeding in college. As a student, you are frequently challenged to adjust to new experiences, develop new relationships, and take on enhanced roles and responsibilities. College students today face high expectations and must learn to manage stress. For these reasons, resilience can be especially beneficial to students. Negotiating challenges and disappointments are inevitable parts of learning and succeeding in college. Resilient students are more likely to bounce back from life, including school, challenges. Learning strategies to enhance your resiliency can benefit you while in college and beyond.
So, what is resilience? The American Psychological Association defines resilience as a process of adapting well to adversity. Adversity can include stressful changes, family, health or relationship problems, trauma, or tragedy. It can also include challenging academic events and financial strain. Resilience helps individuals negotiate adversity and it can also enhance well-being and personal satisfaction overall. Being resilient can help you experience less stress and strengthen your relationships.
Resilience is not a trait that some people have and other people do not have. Rather, resilience is the result of a combination of behaviors and ways of thinking. All people can work on building the behaviors, actions, and ways of thinking common among resilient individuals.
Scientific study has demonstrated that human resilience is common. It is ordinary, not extraordinary. When an individual is resilient, it does not mean that he or she never experiences difficulty or distress. Experiencing stress, sadness, or disappointment is a healthy response to adversity. But, resilience helps us cope with adversity and come back from challenging situations even stronger than we were before.
All students will encounter some form of academic challenge, relationship problem, health issue, financial stress, work worry, or other stress during their time in college. Being able to bounce back from setbacks will increase your likelihood of success.
Individuals who exhibit resilience commonly have a few things in common. First, they have a sense of humor. They are able to laugh at themselves and laugh even in difficult situations. Second, they are likely to have role models or mentors. These are individuals they respect and admire. They can draw strength from these individuals in a time of need. Third, individuals who exhibit resilience commonly have strong social supports. This involves having others who can be trusted and with whom one can share challenging life events. Resilient individuals are also more likely to take on challenge and actively seek opportunities to get out of their comfort zone.
Additionally, resilient individuals commonly demonstrate optimism and gratitude. You can work on developing optimism and gratitude by doing the easy exercise below.
Every day for the next 3 weeks write down the following:
3 good things that happened that day
3 things you are grateful for
Keep track of your writing in the same memo app or journal. To be even more effective, do this activity at the same time every day. Keep up this activity and over time you will start noticing more and more “good things” around you. Your outlook might become more optimistic and you might feel more grateful too. When you encounter life’s next big challenge, you could bounce back quicker and stronger than before.
This post was written by guest blogger Dr. Cynthia Demetriou, Director for Retention in the Office of Undergraduate Education & Undergraduate Retention and faculty advisor for Carolina Firsts, the student organization for first generation college students. She is a Carolina alumna with a Ph.D. in Education from the Educational Psychology, Measurement, and Evaluation program at UNC-Chapel Hill. She also holds a Masters degree in Education from Harvard University and a Bachelors degree in English from the State University of New York at Stony Brook. She has taken additional coursework in educational psychology at New York University. Her research interests include applications of positive psychology in higher education, undergraduate retention, and academic motivation.
I just received yet another email reminder that it is time to change my ONYEN password again. I don’t know about you, but trying to remember all of my passwords and access codes can be challenging, especially when I am regularly required to change one I use ALL the time. Every time I change my ONYEN password, it takes me a few days to get used to the new one.
At one point about a year ago, I became very frustrated with the requirement to change my ONYEN password along with my inability to come up with something I could remember. That day, my new passcode included the phrase “Ihatethis” along with the obligatory numbers and symbols. The moment I changed it, I felt really good about the decision – even a little bit vindicated, like I had somehow won over the technology.
What I quickly learned is that typing “Ihatethis” multiple times every single day became a problem for me. It reminded me of the negative feelings I had when I changed my password! Part of emotional health includes optimism and the ability to experience and cope with feelings independently and interpersonally. When I created that password, I wasn’t coping with my feelings well – I instead channeled them into a simple task which actually impacted me every day.
Needless to say, I changed my ONYEN password again before I received the 90 day reminder from ITS.
Today, I am looking at the opportunity to change my password as a small thing I can do to build more positivity and happiness into my life. I can choose to make this a password which brightens my day every time I enter it.
What words, symbols, phrases, or ideas bring you happiness? Without getting a password that is too predictable like “sunshine”, how can you make positivity part of your ONYEN password?
Today is Saint Patrick’s day, a holiday celebrated by folks with Irish ancestry or nationality, in recognition of the contributions of a first century missionary. I had the privilege of being in Cork, Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day in 2009 where most businesses and government offices were shut down for the day. I enjoyed seeing how the Irish celebrated the date of Saint Patrick’s death with amazing costumes, a parade in the middle of town, windows painted (see picture below), hanging out with friends, and a meal with family.
This event has morphed from a religious holiday honoring Saint Patrick’s establishment of the Catholic church in Ireland (where the color blue was associated with knights in the Order of Saint Patrick) to an Americanized celebration of all things Irish, including the Irish independence movement and the color green. Somewhere along the way, we also started teaching children to pinch people who aren’t wearing green on March 17th, and to kiss people who are Irish. An entire line of commercialized products have emerged – “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts, “pinch proof” green shamrocks on buttons, green beer, and many more.
Regardless of what someone’s t-shirt says or what a tradition may be, it is important to get consent before touching or kissing another person, no matter their age, what shirt they are wearing, or what has happened between you in the past. . When someone is wearing a shirt that says “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”- this does not give anyone permission to kiss that person. When someone is not wearing green on Saint Patrick’s Day, it is still not okay to pinch that person without their consent.
When we allow touching another person without their consent to be the norm – even pinching, which hurts! – we make it easier for predators to blend in with the crowd. Research by David Lisak confirms that a small percent of folks are responsible for the majority of sexual violence. Most sexual predators are serial offenders, and they know what they are doing – they are intentional.
…uh, most people know that, actually.
Let’s celebrate our holidays in ways that honor and respect people’s bodies and personal space. So this Saint Patrick’s Day, save the kisses and pinches for someone in your life who wants them, after getting their consent. Or be a trailblazer and start a new Saint Paddy’s Day trend!
Suppose a woman wakes up in the morning after a sexual encounter and then labels it sexual assault, to the surprise of her sexual partner. Did this woman[1] regret having sex and then say she was a victim so she doesn’t have to come to terms with her actions? Is she lying about being sexually assaulted so people don’t think she is a slut?
I often hear these questions at sexual assault response or prevention trainings around campus. The short answer to this question is, NO, women do NOT say they have been sexually assaulted or raped when they have had consensual sex that they regret.
Let’s break this down.
Do people who had a consensual sexual experience that they regret call it sexual assault? NO, very rarely.[2]
Consider what happens when someone publicly says they have been a victim or survivor of sexual assault. Being a victim of any crime is not something that people are proud of or gain positive public recognition for reporting or discussing. Unfortunately, survivors commonly receive negative attention across news or social media for publicly discussing their experience.
Because many of us assume we know how we would react to trauma, victims/survivors are asked why they engaged in behaviors that happened before the assault (“why did you drink so much?”), which (intentionally or not) blame them for something which is not their fault.[3] When we take into consideration the low rates of convictions in the criminal system as well, it’s easy to understand why sexual assaults are underreported to the police, and rarely reported falsely. It only makes sense that some people who are assaulted never tell their friends[4] and avoid calling their experience “assault.”
This article called “Do Women Often Lie About Rape?” by Jarune Uwujaren demonstrates how problematic it is to assume that women lie about being raped. Uwujaren writes that given the high rates of assault, “The fact that some women lie about rape isn’t exactly the most pressing conversation we need to be having.” Instead, we should be talking about how few rapes are reported to authorities compared to the many people who indicate on anonymous surveys that they have experienced unwanted sexual contact or penetration.
Do we all have things that we actively chose to do that we later regret? Sure. Does this even include kissing, touching, or other sexual activity? It definitely can.
Do people who experience sexual assault say they regret the experience? YES, especially right afterwards.
In my experience, many people (men, women, and trans* folks) who experience unwanted and non-consensual sex blame themselves for what happened, even though it’s not their fault. They may mean that they regret actions they took before the assault, from being at a party to having anything to drink at all.
Many victims/survivors do not use the terms “rape” or “sexual assault” or “sexual violence” to describe their experience immediately after the incident. Since alcohol is involved in over half of sexual assaults on a college campus, folks may not remember what happened if they were blacked out or drunk. They also may not be able to clearly talk about what happened because of new research about neurobiology in trauma victims which indicates that the “brain’s prefrontal cortex—which is key to decision-making and memory—often becomes temporarily impaired.”[5] If folks do remember their unwanted sexual experience, they may say that
*They wouldn’t have engaged in the sexual activity if they had been sober,
i.e. they regret drinking
*They didn’t really want to have sex
*They did not want to have sex without protection, but their partner insisted
etc.
In short, folks who experience unwanted or nonconsensual sex may tell you that yes, they regret the experience, and they may blame themselves because it’s easier for them than dealing with the reality that their control was taken away from them and they were sexually assaulted.
Sometimes, a survivor will later name the event as rape or assault because he/she/ze[6] realizes that (1) what happened WASN’T their fault, and (2) it wasn’t consensual. So you could hear someone say they regretted the experience and then days, weeks, months, or years later say they were assaulted, but this doesn’t mean that they weren’t assaulted in the first place. It means they have come to terms with what happened to them and are hopefully on the road to recovery from a traumatic experience.
[1] Victims and survivors of sexual assault can be male or female or trans*. I use the term ‘woman’ here due to the high rate of violence against women and the way I typically hear this question being asked.
[2] Researchers looking at reports over 10 years at one university estimate that rape was reported falsely (ie. fabricated or made up) 5.9% of the time. The FBI estimated in 1996 that up to 8% of reports of rape are false or unfounded (ie. there isn’t enough evidence base to move forward with criminal charges) which is consistent with other crimes.
[6] “Ze” is one of several gender non-specific terms used by trans*, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, agender, and people who reject the male/female binary
Before Halloween (like, TODAY!) talk with your friends about getting to and from Halloween parties and events how you will get around and how you will get home, and how you will keep tabs on each other throughout the night so no one gets left behind.
Account for all people in your group of friends when you go out and when you head home. Staying with friends throughout the night will help ensure that everyone is safe and having a good time!
Offer to watch your friends’ drinks (alcoholic or not) when they leave the table.
Make it a night to remember:
Drink water!
Consider the weather when you are designing your costume – be sure to dress warmly and remind your friends as well!
Activities like pre-gaming raise BAC (blood alcohol content, a measure of the amount of alcohol in your body) and make it more likely for a person to pass out or black out. Talk to your friends about risk reduction strategies if they are planning to drink. Some common strategies among UNC students are: eating before drinking, avoiding shots, alternating alcoholic drinks with water, setting a pacing limit (e.g. 1 drink per hour), or an overall drink limit for the night. For more ideas, check out this blog post.
If you see potentially violent (physical or sexual) situation, call 911 for help!
If you or someone you know is experiencing distress, find one of the many uniformed police officers that will be on hand for the event. Their main goal is to keep everyone safe. If you can’t find someone in person, call 911.
Keep in mind NC’s new Good Samaritan Law: If you seek medical help on behalf of someone with alcohol poisoning, you will be exempt from certain underage alcohol possession charges. In other words, they cannot ticket you with underage possession or consumption of alcohol if you are you seeking medical attention on behalf of someone who may have alcohol poisoning.
If you don’t feel comfortable contacting police, look for volunteers from Student Affairs. They’ll be walking around in pairs to assist students in need of support. They can connect you to emergency or support services.
When things don’t go as planned, contact other resources that night or the next day for support for yourself or your friends.
UNC Healthy Heels 